By Lorena Solinger as related to Jann Garitty
Case #2: Establishing my own identity
L. H., age 36, Hispanic family background, middle child, with two other sisters; her parents have been married for a long time. L. contacted Lorena in June of 2006 because she had been told by her doctor that she had Human Papiloma Virus (HPV) that could be cancer; she'd had abnormal Pap smears, a polyp removed from her cervix and biopsies. The virus had manifested three years prior. L. was not a promiscuous woman and also was getting over the recent break up of an engagement; the wedding had been planned, but L. decided to call it off because her finance, John, was too controlling and jealous. They did have good communication, but L. was afraid when he became angry, and was afraid to speak up. She kept her feelings inside and then would blow up and release many resentments all at once. She felt restricted in the relationship, just as she did when growing up with her parents; she felt that she couldn’t be herself. She and John had been living together even though that went against her morals. She tried not to have premarital sex, but it happened, and it was not satisfying for her. She felt that she was running out of time, not married yet, while her other sisters were both married and had children. L. was depressed, not eating well, and had a lot of self-esteem issues. She said, “Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy.” She also said, “I don’t have clarity for my life, I cannot make decisions, I am not in control of my life, I have sexual guilt, and when I wake up in the morning, I have terrible fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life.”
To initially address the crisis of having HPV and the abnormal Pap test results, Lorena recommended the following essences:
Alpine Lily
,
Self-Heal
and
California Wild Rose
- to deepen her incarnation and cleanse her heart
Lorena also recommended that L. use mangosteen, which she subsequently used throughout the whole time working together.
L. was feeling depleted and very drained at work; she said she didn’t want to work any more and wanted to reinvent herself. She had worked at the same salon and with the same people for 15 years. She has wanted her own salon or move to a different one, but hasn’t felt confident to do either one. L. went on a date with her old fiancée who said he was moving to Las Vegas; she was tearful and told him, “I feel that you don’t care for me anymore.” But yet she didn’t feel any more passion for this man. “Am I ever going to feel passion again with anyone?” She felt terrible all the next day after the date. L. is a very religious and spiritual person. She read the story of Ruth in the Bible and then had a dream; someone said to her, “You need to listen to the story about Ruth; you need commitment and sacrifice in your life.” She went online to eHarmony, a dating service, but couldn’t even finish the questionnaire; she wasn’t able to describe herself. Intention for the session: “Accept and love myself for who I am; I want wisdom and knowledge to be able to heal and express myself.” During the energy treatment: L. had a sinking, heavy feeling in her chest; she felt emotional and then became very light. Lorena saw the saint Padre Pio around L. They talked after the treatment and L. said, “I have to suffer for Christ, I have GUILT, but my sisters are happy…” After taking the first flower essences, L. had a dream: She saw a man from her past at the mall with whom she had dated; “I was being distant; I had loved him but he had been a jerk to me. I felt empowered by leaving him; he was jealous and controlling in the dream; there were a lot of tears but when I woke up, I had the feeling of being alive.” Three weeks after, Lorena and L. had a phone conversation; L. had her first normal Pap test but the HPV was still active. She had a series of dreams and a nightmare: “Someone is telling me that everything is okay and I am being looked after.” “I was trying to get away from a guy with a gun; he put it to my chest; in fear that I was going to die, I quickly started praying and then saw a blind guy looking over me.” “I saw a parakeet sitting on a door handle; I felt happy and good.” After these dreams, L. started to feel tired every afternoon.
Other dreams she had:
“While with an ex-boyfriend, I saw another ex, he looked like he cared for me but I knew I made the right choice not to be with him.” “I was dating a guy covered in a trash bag, named Daniel. He worked with air conditioners, and he told me that there was going to be an electrical fire.” (L. actually had dated him after she broke up with John.)
Flower essences selected:
Dream: L. had a premonition that there was going to be an earthquake. L. said she felt anxious about starting her own salon; the people and owners where she currently works are moving to a new facility, but L. doesn’t like the new facility. She doesn’t know whether she wants to leave the group she’s been working with the last 15 years. But she wants change, and has not told anyone that she’s thinking of not going with them to the new facility. She said she hadn’t spoken to her ex in over 6 weeks. L. said, “I finally finished the application at eHarmony and met a man named Mark. We are dating. He is a computer programmer, actor, writes scripts, and works for Disney. He has two children, and is in the middle of a divorce.” L. said they had had 6 or 7 dates, she was happy with the relationship but felt he was not giving her enough attention; he was focused on work and trying to get ahead, and also had 50% custody of his children. Flower essences selected:
Pink Monkeyflower
- for sexual shame
L. continues to take Yarrow and YES Before her energy treatment L. said, “I feel very blah about everything.” Intention for the treatment: “I want to feel connected to God and to other people.” After the session, L. talked about her involvement in a program for homeless people; but she said, “I don’t have anything to give them, my heart is blocked and it’s holding me back. I’m very confused about Mark, in my head. My energy feels very stuck and sucked. Every time I think about Mark and not enough time with him, I feel disconnected from my best friend.”
Opening to a healthier relationship with men
Dream: “My dad died and I was mourning his death. My dad worries about me a lot because I am alone. I had my dad’s cell phone in my purse. (Note the symbolism.) L. said: “I want to make an effort to talk to Dad; I’ve always talked to him through my mom. Growing up, he always came home from work and drank. But he was not mean. He devoted his whole life to us. It was a strict family. We could never spend the night at friends’ houses, but they could be at our house. We could not be out after dark and were not allowed to date.” Whenever her uncles came to visit, their parents locked L. and her sisters in their room at night, as if it was not safe for them. L. visited her mother and father who lived 150 miles away. She felt sad when they moved from the house in which she was raised. When she visited her parents, she wanted to tell her father about her new boyfriend, but she was scared like a little girl and didn’t tell her parents. She always felt like a little girl when with her parents. L.’s relationship with Mark has taken a new turn: “I express myself. I get angry if I don’t say what’s on my mind. … I haven’t met Mark’s kids yet, I will be meeting them when the divorce is final. I don’t know how I’ll feel sharing him; I feel a little angry and resentful. 50% of the time he is very mellow (Mark) and I want more attention; he senses this and asks, ‘How can I make you happy?’ I’m feeling more confident about myself but feel not completely shifted out of my old self.”
Flower essences selected:
Dream: “A roasted pig popped out of me; something toxic left me; I got rid of something dirty and toxic.” (The effect of the
Pink Monkeyflower
essence.)
Transforming insecurity into courage
L. had a pain in her right breast, and was going for mammogram. “I still can’t make a decision about moving from my old shop…”
Dream: “I was talking to my sister saying, ‘I’m really ok with mom and dad being gone and not living near us any more;’ my sister said, ‘Sounds like you’ve really grown up.’”
“I feel bored and frustrated, bored with my job, bored with Mark. I’m afraid to go back to school.” She has been working as a hair stylist since high school. She was praying about starting a new business. “I haven’t been working out as much and am unhappy with my weight” (She is 15 pounds overweight.) “I’m having a lot of dreams, but can’t remember them; I feel frustrated, negative and I’m full of anguish.” Dream: “I was at a university; I liked a man there, he rejected me but it was in a kind way.” Finally, she had called her father and told him about Mark, the first thing he said was: “Should I bring out my pistol or shot gun?” L. worried that he wouldn’t like Mark, whom she was bringing to meet her parents; he has long hair, is divorced, and has two kids. She went with Mark to visit her parents and her father was okay with Mark and liked him. “I heard my mom say to my dad, ‘let your daughter have her own life; she’s dating, get over it.’” “I’m still bored with my relationship with Mark, even though it’s good. There’s not enough time with him. I want to travel. It’s going well with the kids. Sexual life is comfortable.” L. had had a Pap test and the results were good.
“My dreams are exhausting; I’m feeling very tired all day long.”
L. felt relaxed and empowered after the session. Flower essences selected:
Tansy
L. was excited because she had joined Weight Watchers and lost 9 pounds (the influence of Tansy and Blackberry ). But she felt anxious about the shop where she works; they had received a 30-day notice and they had to move. “I don’t’ know if I’ll go with the old shop or somewhere else. I’m not spending much time with Mark. If I can’t find fulfillment with Mark, I’m okay with it. I like time alone and like to focus on myself. I like pursuing my own growth. I know Mark likes me.” L. experienced an incidence of bleeding during intercourse and thought that maybe there was another polyp. She was thinking about other options for work, and looking at other shops. She had found another shop where she would fit in, the rent was comparable, and she would have a lot of freedom. Dream: In a department store, L. tried on men’s pants, getting them for Mark, but felt like she needed to get a looser fit. “I feel a lot of change happening.” Another dream: L. was on a huge ship, going up and down on an escalator, carrying baggage. Then, she was climbing a ladder with baggage, thought maybe would fall; wanted to stop and go in the right direction. “I know I have fears and petty worries; I feel trapped, and know I am a free spirit. I hinder myself. I was always held back as a child, and had to follow rules. At age 5, I wanted to walk to school by myself. My mom finally let me, and I was proud of myself. I always wanted freedom and independence. I left my parents’ house at age 28. We weren’t supposed to leave until we were married; but I left anyway.” Dream: there was a girl she met in Greece, Susan, who traveled all around the world by herself, she was very street smart. (Susan: a part of her—she is capable of doing whatever she wants and she is smart.) “I was going on a trip with Susan, taking only a light purse, I only needed a few things.” (Compared with the baggage dream.) “I want to travel, go to Hawai’i by myself. I am bored with life, and need to get away.” Dream: “I have a dream that a new city is being built, excavations and piles of dirt all around. The city is being built up, there are tiny roads but it’s still dangerous to travel, there are some accidents.”
Flower essences selected:
Intention for the session: “To have courage and take action in my life for change—in work, in my relationship and in making new friends, and not sweat the small stuff. And, I want total healing in my female organs.” L. felt warm and peaceful during the treatment; Lorena saw a white and orange wash going through her. L. felt very light. “I need to embrace what’s going on; I always feel trapped; feel molded into something I’m not. Even as a child, I knew my wings were cut off by my parents, and it trapped my spirit in a small place.” L. also talked about her dad’s alcoholism. “I panicked when they said I had HPV and an abnormal Pap test—“ “I found out that the bleeding during intercourse was normal, some kind of clearing, but the HPV levels were higher than ever; the doctor said that maybe something is clearing. The Pap result was good.”
The HPV is gone, the Pap tests have all had good results and the cysts in L.’s breast are all gone. “My dad is very approving of my boyfriend and his kids.” At the last minute, L. didn’t move and went with a totally new salon, with young, hip people who are very “up” on new things with hair. There are classes, L. is learning new things; she has lost weight. At this point Lorena wanted to do a reflection over the past year: L. had used the flower essences for one year: All physical signs were good, L. had a new job and is doing well, her relationship with Mark is good, and she has a good relationship with the children. She went with Mark, his kids, all her sisters, their families to visit her parents; they were all together and had a good weekend. All her sisters love Mark and his kids. “I feel like I’m playing catch up in my life; I feel I am coming out of being a little girl and now catching up being grown up. I feel the need to be a mentor with people, be more mature, guide and lead, rather than just working as a hair stylist and being quiet. L. felt that she had a significant healing with her father over the summer. Now when she sees Mark, he doesn’t have his kids. She’s going on another weekend cruise with friends. She is in bible study. When asked, “Are you and Mark happy?” She said, “I feel content, I feel okay with the way it is. He is tying up loose ends with his wife and old life. He says he is serious about me but doesn’t know if he wants to get married or not. All in all, I feel Mark is a disconnected person, it feels like there’s not enough attention for me but he’s a good man, easy going, good to me, and very healing for me. I can be myself around him, and communicate about feelings. But, I want deeper communication with him.” L. and Mark went to a birthday celebration at a bar with all of her sisters and their husbands. She danced with others, and Mark was not jealous; “He likes having a good time with me,” and compared him to how possessive John had been with her. Mark is comfortable with her family and everyone loves him. Intention for the session: “Change is coming, I want to feel it, be in the flower of change. I want to be true to myself and I want to know if Mark is the one for me. I feel I am coming into being my own person.” |
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