Raising Awareness Leading to Client’s Long-Term Inner Growth

"I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough"

"I am keeping old wounds"
Dream no. 1; molestation by brother
Dream no. 2; brace for bruxism breaks
Dream no. 3; healing old wounds

"You cannot do that, you are weak, and you are a loser!"

Dream no. 4; caring for a girl child

Dream no. 5; joyfully riding bicycle with brother

"I grow up with joy and self-confidence"

Dream no. 6; visitation from deceased boyfriend
Dream no. 7; being kissed by a man
Dream no. 8; separation from brother

TL is a 39-year-old woman, currently unemployed, who lives with her mother, brother and her brother’s family in her mother’s apartment. She has become passive over the course of the last 4 years, does not feel herself useful but has no strength to start something up. She stopped driving the car 5 years ago for the fear that something might happen to her. She is dissatisfied because of failures in various areas of life but she gives up at the first obstacle due to negative impressions of herself. She feels as if she was a little girl and immature, “a child,” and not as an adult woman. Her last relationship ended in a way that her partner suddenly ceased calling her after 10 months and she keeps on thinking about it and him but does not call him because she doesn’t have the courage to do it. She does not think of herself as beautiful and feminine (though she is objectively a very beautiful and attractive woman). Physically, her greatest problem is bruxism ; she often wakes up in the morning with a headache as a result of it.

The principal life events which affected her were: forced, traumatic separation from her mother having to say with her grandmother during summers, disappointment regarding her father’s lies and his not coming to her birthdays despite his promises, her boyfriend’s death in a car accident, and a quarrel with her brother and subsequent absence of communication which lasted for 10 years. She has spent the period of unemployment by “searching for herself” (she reads a lot, attends creative workshops, has massages, does yoga). She wishes that she would be successful in a love relationship and parenthood, and find a job that will fulfill her on a greater scale and that will be more creative than the previous one.

The reasons for coming, in addition to the physical symptoms of bruxism, which bothers her a lot, is that she needs support and help in materializing her wishes. She realizes her own continuous mistakes in relationships and that she does not have enough confidence for all the changes that she would like to pursue.

"I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough"

The basic point TL complained about was lack of self-confidence in various aspects of living. She feels that she is not beautiful and feminine and does not have successful relationships. As a worker she is dissatisfied because she is not sure what she would like to deal with in life and she is insecure about trying something out for fear of failing. She is not ready to take risks. Due to all of the above mentioned, she sees herself as unsuccessful and less valuable compared to other people. Consequences of her low self-respect are living with her mother, being single and unemployed at the age of 39. She does not feel as 39-year-old, but like she is a “little girl, immature, a child.” She is dissatisfied, passive, tired even though she does not have job. Whenever she thinks of changing something, she has negative thoughts about her not being good enough, that she might fail, etc. She is surprised at men approaching her because she thinks that she is not beautiful and attractive. Bruxism is also a problem for her and she wants to resolve that.

Flower essences chosen:

Fairy Lantern - because she rejects responsibilities that accompany adulthood, and her experience of herself as a little and immature girl.

Pretty Face - because she does not experience herself as beautiful and feminine, for boosting inner experience of beauty, since she is objectively a beautiful woman.

Sunflower – because of the unhealthy relationships with men in her life, manifesting in the lack of confidence in her love life, and which was caused by the conflicting or non-existing relationship with her father during childhood.

Larch – for her low self-esteem, and constant expectation of failure which prevents her from trying anything new and achieving success.

Snapdragon – for jaw spasms that led to bruxism. TL insisted on taking something for this, so this flower essence was given to her at her insistence.

"I am keeping old wounds"

TL came for the second consultation after 3 weeks. Generally speaking, she felt better, had more energy and she was calmer. Bruxism is still present but the intensity is lower. The biggest change she noticed is her experience of herself. In her own words: "For the first time in my life I like my own reflection in the mirror.” She started paying more attention to herself and she even caught herself thinking of buying high-heeled shoes and short dress.

People around her noticed her internal changes; a friend told her that she was happier and that she resembled more of her earlier self. In addition to this change, what marked this period were very unusual dreams which affected her greatly, leading her to think of them more intensely during the day. Under their influence she started remembering some life events she had not thought of before. From that moment on, TL started keeping a dream logbook on her own initiative, which became the principal tool for prescribing in the following sessions.

Dream no. 1; molestation by brother

Her brother and his friend are doing artificial insemination on her. To her question, “What are you doing?”, they reply, “Well, you should know how babies are made.” Her belly aches and she implores her brother to take her to the hospital but at the same time she is shy because she will have to tell the doctors who has done this. She wakes up very upset.

Dream no. 2; brace for bruxism breaks

She is washing the brace for bruxism and she presses it so hard that it breaks in two. She feels fear but some voice tells her that she will need the brace no longer “because stress no longer lives inside her.” There is a sensation of peace and joy inside of her.

Dream no. 3; healing old wounds

She is in an unfamiliar space and she is afraid that she will die. She is talking to herself trying to calm herself down “Remember. Do not be quiet. Do not keep old wounds. Say it, because it brings peace. You should say this because wounds are purer and more beautiful and they will heal faster.” She is very upset when she wakes up.

Flower essences chosen:

Snapdragon – was repeated so as to further resolve her bruxism. The dream about braces also implies that this flower essence has had an effect and that it must be repeated because it takes more time to maximize the results.

Pretty Face - was also repeated because the experience of herself and her real appearance partially matched, which had a positive effect on her self-confidence as a woman, but the process had not been completed.

Based on subconscious messages which are visible in her dreams, two more essences were prescribed:

Evening Primrose – for early traumas she is not aware of on the conscious level. We might make a hypothesis that she might have been sexually abused by her older brother or his friend, or maybe even physically abused (dream no. 1) but that those memories were suppressed or non-verbal so she cannot remember them. In any case, she has not remembered some real situation from her life.

Mariposa Lily – since the dream about “ old wounds which she keeps and hides" (dream no. 3,) triggered remembering repetitive traumatic experiences which she had suffered as her mother’s rejection. During the session she described the situation when her mother used to leave her with her grandmother because there was no one else who was able to take care of her when her mother went to work. She did not understand it back then; she thought that her mother was leaving her and would not come back for her, which both terribly frightened and saddened her and she used to cry for days after that.

"You cannot do that, you are weak, and you are a loser!"

Dream no. 4; caring for a girl child

She is running away from someone or something, it is crowded, some unfamiliar men are around her, they speak incoherently. She is passing through very narrow corridors, passageways, and she does not know where she is or what she is doing. All of a sudden, she finds herself in front of a very low entrance to a cave. She realizes that something or someone prevents her from entering inside. It is completely dark, she cannot see anything. She understands that she is in some sacred place, pure place, she has never been before, and she feels peace, indescribable peace. It lasts for a moment and all of a sudden she has to save her friend’s daughter. She bathes the girl in some water; the girl does not feel well. She is naked and there are only some cloths to be wrapped around her.

She tells the girl not to worry, that she will handle everything. She goes down on her knees, though her knees ache because of some edged stones underneath. She wraps around her friend’s daughter and brings her into her arms. It is then when a huge man appears and tells her: “You cannot do that, you are too weak. You are loser.” As he is saying those words his face is melting away, deforming. She knows that she is not afraid of him, she even responds to his words saying that he was not right, that she is capable and that is when she wakes up all of a sudden.

While talking about her dream TL said that she received two insights as she was writing about this dream. The first one was that the girl from the dream was not her friend’s daughter but herself. The second one was that the man whose face was melting away was not a stranger but her father. This was the dream that helped her remember how he had kidnapped her in her real life when she was a girl. She also remembered the whole range of situations related to him which more or less reflected the messages she received through the dream. This dream very well depicted the effect of the flower essence Evening Primrose. This flower essence was repeated because even though she responded positively and decisively to negative messages from her father in the dream, in reality a situation occurred where she had an encounter with a man whom she liked but she became terribly nervous. She had the sensation of internal trembling as if she had stage-fright. In addition to it, her power of speech was completely blocked and she was not capable of saying anything except for “yes” and “no” to his questions. This is why she felt very frustrated after the encounter and she was very angry at herself.

Dream no. 5; joyfully riding bicycle with brother

TL also mentioned a dream which depicts the effect of flower essence Pretty Face . In that dream she is riding a bicycle with her brother. It is a beautiful, sunny day, she is happy and cheerful. At one moment she takes her hands off the steering handle and stretches them as if hugging someone. Her hair is carried by the breeze, it looks beautiful, she is beautiful, and there is happiness everywhere. She is full of peace and she feels that her soul is at peace. She is satisfied and proud of herself and with light shining from inside.

In addition to that, she started wearing lady-like dresses in summer and high heels, and she felt feminine in them. Men approached her and she did not wonder at that anymore (as was the case previously). Therefore, I decided to stop giving her Pretty Face.

She dreamt again about the bruxism brace (dream no. 6), only this time she lost it. She was at the seaside and she was not able to obtain a new one until returning to Belgrade. But then, she told herself (in the dream) that she did not need it anymore, neither now nor when she returns home. Since she not had bruxism-caused headaches I also decided not to repeat Snapdragon flower essence.

During this session she started complaining about loneliness, she is afraid of ending up alone, without an emotional partner and children. She has many negative thoughts about whether anybody might love her as a partner. This is also a period when she is very nervous or as she said herself, “I am as nervous as a butterfly”.

Flower essences chosen:

Pink Monkeyflower - because she there is restraint when she expresses her intimate feelings for fear that she will be rejected.
Sticky Monkeyflower – because she is awkward with intimate feelings as a result of childhood wounds; as well as for the fear of losing a beloved person again.
Sagebrush – for speeding up the change of circumstances no longer needed as well as for releasing the identity parts that are no longer needed.

"I grow up with joy and self-confidence"

TL arrived for a session after 3 months. She felt better generally speaking, she experienced betrayals from her friends and disappointments in some romantic situations, but she accepted them in a different way than before. Now she accepts such situations as an integral part of life not as “the end of the world.” She did not get too upset about them. She thinks that she responds much “more maturely” than before to the repetitive situations in her life. She also, for the first time in her life, asked a friend to introduce her to his friend, whom she assumed that she might like. She has never taken such initiative before. Even when previous boyfriends would stop calling her all of a sudden and with no explanation, she would accept that passively, in a sense that she asked for no explanations. She had 2 interesting dreams in this period on the subject of relationship, which clearly depict her inner changes under the influence of Pink Monkeyflower and Sticky Monkeyflower flower essences.

Dream no. 6; visitation from deceased boyfriend

She is lying in bed with a male arm stretched over her. She knows that this is the arm of her deceased boyfriend and she is thinking in her dream how that is not possible because he is dead and buried. At that moment she looks at the watch, gets surprised and says out loud: "Zorane, leave me, you have been dead for years." She moves his arm and gets up. Then she hears him laughing and asking her in a very loud tone “Where are you going?” She glances in the distance and sees her friend, who is also dead and said out loud “But you are also dead.” She is confused and she wonders why she is with them. She also asks them: ”Why did you come? What do you want from me? What kind of message are you trying to convey to me?” She receives no reply and wakes up in confusion. In reality she visited a church and prayed to her protector, St. Petka, for protection, and she sprinkled herself with sacred water from the church. A couple of nights later, she had the following dream:

Dream no. 7; being kissed by a man

She is being kissed by strange man. She has the feeling that there are many people in the vicinity. She feels wonderful, carefree, relaxed and fulfilled. She moves her head away and sees the face of the strange man: brown hair, smiling eyes, regular features. All of a sudden, she pushes him away from herself, saying: “Someone might see us.” After that she feels regret for stopping his kisses because she felt good and enjoyed it.

She also spoke of her initiative to try out jewelry making. She met a woman who is a jeweler and she started visiting her for a couple of hours to learn the craft and watch her work. She even started making something herself. She likes the job itself but she is not sure if it is profitable enough for life, she has doubts about that and another possibility which is not so creative but it is more profitable.

One more important step toward maturity also happened during this period: she initiated living separate lives from her brother and mother, so her brother found an apartment for himself and his family, and she started living on her own for the first time. She did not have enough time to think more about the change, because she was too busy moving the apartment, although she was slightly concerned about everything new and unknown that is in store for her in independent life. But that sense of worry vanished very quickly after the dream she had about the same matter and after which she grew calm and satisfied with her decision.

Dream no. 8; separation from brother

She is with her brother on a road which is new, clean, flat and huge. Everything is very clear, colors are bright, and it is obvious that the road is new as if no one or only a few people have passed on it before. She is driving along, the road is straight, they feel good, and they drive toward the sun. They speed up more and more, they simply fly but they are not afraid, they move farther. All of a sudden they come across a fork in the road and both roads are still new, shiny, and she takes the road to the right and her brother takes the road to the left. She is still cheerful, satisfied, thinking of how easy it is. She becomes a little bit sad because her brother is no longer by her side, but she knows this is the right way and that thought gives her peace. She wakes up calm and confident about making the right decision.

These two big changes in the life of TL – to take initiative for a job, as well as physical separation from the family community with whom she lived all her life, were additionally triggered by the flower essence Sagebrush , which succeeded Fairy Lantern .

Flower essences chosen:

Scleranthus - to alleviate her decision-making between two business opportunities about which she was hesitant.

Pear - for boosting her courage and open-mindedness for facing challenges.

Spreading Phlox - for finding a soul mate.

Blackberry – to turn ideas into action, to overcome inertia and passivity.

This combination of essences was meant to help her finalize the change related to vocation. More specifically, for her deciding what she will do to make a living now that she is independent, as well as the fastest means for putting that choice into practice.